to be and not to be……..

Sometimes I struggle with presence………presence of mind and presence of being…..desiring something other than….desiring to extinguish desires……(which is in itself a desire and in opposition of the way to obtain that particular state of being)……..I often desire to run away and become a buddhist monk for silence and contemplation…….but there is the opposition…..I am a mother….I have a beautiful four year old son whom I love very much……..so the ascetic aspect of becoming a monk and living a life of contemplation is an impossibility at the moment, at this time in my life……….in this life…….so this was a struggle………until just recently……..I’ve learned not to desire what I am not, but learn to love the moment that I am in …….I chose to be a mother (and not a monk ), this is my role….and I am happy with this…….sure I may become frustrated that I don’t have enough time to myself to write and pursue other goals, or enough silence ( I love my silence time), but this is momentary…..it will not last forever……..things always change……..my son will grow older and not require as much attention from me….(although it is mostly my workplace that leaves me drained and overwhelmed and not wanting to talk to another living soul for a while and thus makes me somewhat frustrated with the demands of motherhood)….I am learning again to love and cherish the moments that I have with him (rekindling that overzealous affection I first felt from the first moment I had held him)………and feeling sad that these moments too shall pass as he will no longer be my baby boy in size….(always my baby boy no matter what, though!)….so I need to seize the moment instead of grasping for delusional straws of another imagined existence……..I just need to be even more adaptable and set priorities (but not deadlines) for things I wish to work on…….and learning acceptance of my roles, in this life and loving it……..

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2 Comments

  1. Beautiful

    Reply
  2. jessiecarty

     /  January 27, 2010

    i love this 🙂 it is like a mini-essay 🙂 i can relate well to the draining effects of a day job. i don’t miss mine. not at all!

    Reply

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