to be and not to be……..

Sometimes I struggle with presence………presence of mind and presence of being…..desiring something other than….desiring to extinguish desires……(which is in itself a desire and in opposition of the way to obtain that particular state of being)……..I often desire to run away and become a buddhist monk for silence and contemplation…….but there is the opposition…..I am a mother….I have a beautiful four year old son whom I love very much……..so the ascetic aspect of becoming a monk and living a life of contemplation is an impossibility at the moment, at this time in my life……….in this life…….so this was a struggle………until just recently……..I’ve learned not to desire what I am not, but learn to love the moment that I am in …….I chose to be a mother (and not a monk ), this is my role….and I am happy with this…….sure I may become frustrated that I don’t have enough time to myself to write and pursue other goals, or enough silence ( I love my silence time), but this is momentary…..it will not last forever……..things always change……..my son will grow older and not require as much attention from me….(although it is mostly my workplace that leaves me drained and overwhelmed and not wanting to talk to another living soul for a while and thus makes me somewhat frustrated with the demands of motherhood)….I am learning again to love and cherish the moments that I have with him (rekindling that overzealous affection I first felt from the first moment I had held him)………and feeling sad that these moments too shall pass as he will no longer be my baby boy in size….(always my baby boy no matter what, though!)….so I need to seize the moment instead of grasping for delusional straws of another imagined existence……..I just need to be even more adaptable and set priorities (but not deadlines) for things I wish to work on…….and learning acceptance of my roles, in this life and loving it……..

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How I do love Kronos Quartet and Clint Mansell……..The Fountain soundtrack is currently the music I immerse myself in (with headphones to block out the world) when I am writing……I listen to it on repeat…over and over…….

drat…

Main Entry: drat
Pronunciation: \ˈdrat\
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): drat·ted; drat·ting
Etymology: probably euphemistic alteration of God rot
Date: 1815

I like the word drat more than damn…….drat, which stems from god rot, just sounds more putrid and horrifying……..you are condemning something (or someone) to rot…..you could say “god rot it!” to the piece of furniture that stubbed your toe…..
this brings me to my next thought: why not become more personal with this cursing business……..use an arbitrary name like Bob or Thelma……….then you could say “Thelma rot it!”……..it sounds a little more threatening (like there is a Thelma hiding around the corner ready to rot things)…….or why not use animal power? You could use cats or lemurs……..so then you could say “lemur rot it!”……..which finally brings me to the final point: power in numbers…..why not make it plural?………nothing instills fear more than the masses….you could say “thelmas rot it!” or “lemurs rot it!”…..as you flail your fists to the sky….